In the time that I have been silent, my life outside of education has begun and I have started my adult life. As I tell the friends I have back at my old college, the real world has its perks and its draw backs, but the money is nice. By drawbacks, I simply mean that ever since I have started my adult life, I feel as though I am being left behind, helplessly watching life pass me by. After all the craziness of college, I am beginning to feel that my life inside the small cubical I call home, is suffocating me. Once more I feel like going above and beyond to give my time to others has further penned me into this prison, a prison created by everything society has expected me to do. I feel like everyone around me is pushing me aside to live while I cam suffocating and I can’t blame them. Most of the people I hangout with are at the point in life where settling down is common, and the other half are still living the life, that by the facts of growing up, I was forced to leave behind. My mind has been spinning in ways it hasn’t in almost a year and I want nothing to do with it. I have begun thinking of ways to free my mind from the torturous circle it has been spinning in.
Let me tell you about a get away I have dreamed about, felt I couldn’t accomplish but am now craving with everything within me. It is something I have only heard of in real-life once, from a classmate in a creative writing course. in my final semester of college. It is a get away that to me seems selfish in nature, but holistically could be the medicine I have been searching for. It is a huge risk that could offend a few people that are very close to me, but it is a risk I am will to take, and one that the people who truly love and know me well will understand.
The plan, now that I am working, and have the money to afford this kind of journey, is very simple. I plan to get away from this place, this place I call home. Most people call that a vacation, a relaxing experience that cleanses the soul, and eases the tensions of the heart. To me this vacation would be more than that, it would be a cleansing of not only the heart and soul, but also of the mind.
The Plan: I want to travel by myself to some place secluded, no internet and no cell phone. Reception doesn’t matter, its all about whether or not I will answer. I want to drive, take my car, and drive for some unknown destination, with a cell phone that is there only for emergence…aka I am bleeding out and need help. Take a week or weekend and explore the nature , and scenery around me with no distractions. Watching the world, not life, passing me by as I admire the beauty of this event. I will document my exploration of life not with pictures, but with words. The words that will hopefully paint the picture of my experiences, and make the ones I love understand.
This post may seem like the whining of a middle class suburban kid who doesn’t know what real pain is. To that I say just because I’m not poor doesn’t mean I don’t know what pain is or what the word means. We all deal with our own troubles and things that cause us pain. You don’t have to be poor or abused to know an enemy like pain. The heart is a complex issue that no matter your background can show us all the true colors of pain. My pain is different from many peoples, or maybe pain is just a common word for a cry for help. Whatever it may be, this plan will come true, I will do this because I it’s something I need to do. For some reason or another, I need to feel like people need me…of that, to be honest (people needing me…), I’m not honestly sure of.
To those I love: I apologize for how random this is and how ridiculous it seems. I need to do this for myself. I understand that a lot of people care about me and want the best for me. I am taking a step for the best. I need to do this to find myself outside of what I know and am used to. I need to find a sense of equilibrium. I need to deal with my ghost and face my demons, learn to live with the things I have done wrong in this life and find peace in the beauty that surrounds. I am not perfect and I know this to be true, but I need to find the peace to live with that. I need to find the peace to live with the fact that I will never be the center of anyone’s universe. The way I see fit, is thus, the only way I know. I find contentment in the wilderness like the way I did as a scout. I will be back and every time it will be a fresh start for me. I apologize that I am not the normal, and that I need the constant re-assurance, but this is who I am and there is only one way I know to be me…and that is to do what I do.
Love you all with all my heart,